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Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.



Can't really cope, and don't have anyone on this end to talk to right now, nor do I have an appointment with my therapist for a while yet. He wrote, as I mentioned. But I had to transcribe the letter (b/c I couldn't read it) and the guilt in there really cut. He's going for the throat.

Those of you who know about this (who should be the only ones who can read this) will understand the parts I'm posting...


Were you closed in some hospital for your nerves, this protracted silence would be easier, but we are told you hold a job, and even attend school, which makes it far harder to bear. Have we been each and every one such wretchedly poor friends to you that you would think us deserving neither hope of renewed association nor courtesy of a proper farewell? Do you even think of us?
...
Zack and John remain more than true to you, both in deed and love, and though we all feel your cut against us, we ache to see their pure optomism. For you have belied your own words and been nothing but selfish. Who but you has had any say in this? Whose but your feelings have been considered and respected?

You called us sons and daughters, friends and lovers, and now, after 6 months of the most tolerant treatment, you do not even deign to call us worth speaking to. How do you justify this, after saying that even if it was nothing but insanity, you would still love? What great harm would come to you by speaking to us? What terrible calamity would rend the heavens if you allowed a phone call or answered a letter you yourself stipulated to still be allowable.

...

We will not be accused of anonymnity, so I send it on my own paper, and if it is really wrong to send this to you, then by God's will it won't go through. I sign for myself, as does each who agreed of and knew of the writing. I would say you may then know whom to cut off in anger if our words displease you, but how would we ever know?


Owwww. This fucking hurts. As for the last paragraph...argh...he's (actualy, SHE's saying, because this letter was written by one of the female "personalities," for lack of a better term) is that this letter was written in "their" dimension/timeline, and "by God's will" it has passed "across the time barrier" and been sent. Ergo, God himself is supposedly pissed off at me and wants "their" message to get through.

I fucking hate this. I really, really fucking hate this. What's worse is I can't do much right now. Am working with his parents, who have asked for a copy of this letter to take to the psychiatrist. Obliged--but that doesn't ease the sting.

Thing is, my honor and my word are sacred to me--which he (she? They?!) fucking know. And this is aimed as directly at my honor and word as possible. This is aimed to really hurt me as much as possible--and of course, to make me come back.

Ow. No, not a chance, but still. OOOOWWWWW.

Fuck. Hurts.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
van
Sep. 28th, 2007 06:10 am (UTC)
Oh wow. That is some Class A crack right there... all the "we" and "us" and ... wow. wow.

(Wow.)


I'm glad you're not swayed by any of this, but I can definitely see how it stabbing at your word and honor is really hurting. Perhaps you could write back saying you don't want to talk to "we" or "us" but to HIM. Just him, the real one, the person who is a actually there, not some spirit/personality/character/whatever, but since he is clearly so fucked up beyond recognation to actually even know who he is anymore, you're refusing writing?

Of course, that might blow up in your face, 'cause I'm sure he can pretend to be sane just as easily as he can manipulate people with his insanity. But, damn.

I'm sorry you still have to deal with his crazy. How he thinks sending a letter like that would sway you is beyond me.
rakshi
Sep. 28th, 2007 11:45 am (UTC)
Oh my god, girl.. no WAY!

Manipulation pure and simple. I'm so happy you're not being lured back into that world.

I know it hurts... but there are things that would hurt a lot more.

I'm proud of you for standing strong.

Love...
tel
Sep. 30th, 2007 02:32 am (UTC)
Silence is golden
oooookay. Well, here's my reaction, for what it's worth:

No, there is no hope of renewed association. Period. Done. Sorry, but you weren't the one who destroyed the possibility. Do you think of 'them', he asks? Every effin' day...and thanks for the memories, but you're not goin' back.

You're damn right it was 'only' your feelings considered; YOU are moving on and trying to distance yourself from all that insanity. Clean break. Let him take the hint and move on. Let the others make their own way to sanity. Not your problem; not your responsibility. that's called HEALTHY. Not goin' back.

No denying there was love and caring in the past. But now, m'dear, you love yourself and your sanity more. And that's HEALTHY. Notice that you aren't the one referring to yourself as a collective...and loving a mentally ill person means not buying back into their insanity. Not goin' BACK!

What 'terrible calamity'? How about setting back everyone's recovery to the crazy dance of manipulation and delusion that you've worked so hard and courageously to get the hell out of? I'd say Sorry, ex, but again, NOT GOIN' BACK!

How will 'they' ever know? Guess what; THEY won't! because *they* are a collection of personalities that exist only inside of the mind of a mental ill person.

So, topper to this all, is this very simple advice to you, Kumquat [which, as I've said before, is just an offering, you can take it or leave it]: Words are your ex's weapon of choice. You've already been in that trap. You got out of it and you're NOT GOIN' BACK. Silence is golden in this instance. You might wanna suggest to the parents that their child is still being an emotional manipulative creep and that this kind of contact has to stop for everyone's health, and put it on them to see it done. [which is what you seem to be doing anyway; good for you!]

Mental illness is extremely hard to deal with, for everyone involved. We've talked about this. But the guilt is misplaced here; you are healing yourself, and part of that healing is not getting into this kind of game anymore. This isn't an expression of love and longing on his part--it's unfortunately just another manipulation and a sign of how much illness he's still mired in. And that's just...pitiful.

...but that's just my take on it all. *shakes head* I so wish others could be as strong as you, to try to have a life with some sanity and health. Hugs for you, and if you need to, you can talk to me.

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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