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I know I haven't posted in a while. I've really been using MySpace more lately, because more of my every-day-real-life friends are on there than on LJ. I have been keeping at least one eye on my Flist here though, so it's not like I've totally vanished. Brief update on me, I'm living happily in my own place, have a group of girlfriends that are astounding, have developed some great relationships with my family, and am dating the most wonderful man I could have ever hoped for. Seriously, I didn't know life could be this good. And it keeps building and deepening. Just being free is so good.

That said. At the moment, I'm having a bit of a low moment about Jeanine. She's still at it. This is not a big deal by far anymore; I have real friends who don't give two shits what she thinks and Airwin, my BFF ever, actually commented in my defense recently. BUT its heavily on my mind because...I have to reopen contact with the EX. Yes, in order to finally get my damned hard drives back (and I don't even know if at this point they're salvageable), I have to talk to him. I have sent him an email (no reply yet), and may have to phone him. If I do, rest assured that (1) I will do it from a number he can't use to reach me (i.e. either from my wonderful BF's phone or through a calling card on a payphone) and (2) said marvelous BF will be holding me the entire time. I assure you.

But having to talk to EX, and rereading stuff from Turimel's journal (hey, if you're on my flist, you already know about this, right?) makes me very sad and impotently frustrated. For the entire time--five years now? I've not said one word in my defense. I've not attempted to mend one fence, explain myself (or it-self, for that matter), or in any way tried to salvage my reputation. With friends I've made since my recovery, they already know things were fucky then and don't care. And the handful of people who I'm friends with who knew me in Those Days? Are probably reading this right now. Right. So. There's no point in opening old wounds.

And yet I'm tempted. Sorely. If only to say "hey, why no updates?" because she does know that EX and I have split up. How does she know that? Why didn't she put that up? It scares me, because SOMEONE gave her that info. Who? How? When?

And EX somehow found out where I work. How? When? WHY?

I hate the feeling that I'm being watched.

Don't get me wrong, it's not exactly keeping me up at night. But there are times when it just gets to me, you know? And I don't know why. Do I actually care what these people think? (Well, not really. But, it's not fair, because I was being used far worse than most of them) Do I actually think I could change their minds? (I should be able to but no I wouldn't they'd just use it against me, I can never stop them). Does it matter? (I guess it only matters to me, and I can't give it justification enough as to why it matters to do anything about it)

Anyway. BF will be home from his first day at his new job. Time to put aside the resentful introspection...for now.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
rakshi
Feb. 19th, 2008 01:06 am (UTC)
She is a mean-spirited, low-life, vindictive, evil-hearted shrew. And anyone who knows her for 5 minutes knows this.

It's over and done with for everyone except HER! It's the only claim to 'fame' she's ever had... her association with you and what happened to you.. so she's milking it for all it's worth. She can't.. and WON'T.. let it go. Because it's all she's got.

YOU, however... have a LOT more going on in your life. You've grown, you've changed.. you've moved on. You're a healthier person than she is for that reason.

Ignore IT, ignore HER, ignore it all. You've moved beyond it. Don't go looking for insanity. Ignore it all!

Love...
kumquatwriter
Feb. 19th, 2008 01:48 am (UTC)
I love you Rakshi. Do people often refer to you as Sage or Wise Woman? Because that is the place you occupy in my heart, darling.

And keep in mind that in the undated yet forseeable not-too-distant future I'll be inviting you to visit Oregon, at least for a day...
van
Feb. 19th, 2008 03:53 am (UTC)
Wow, over all you life sounds pretty damn amazing right now! I am jealous, quite frankly! Congrats though!!
redmondmenace
Feb. 19th, 2008 05:58 am (UTC)
It's nice to hear from you, and I'm glad things are going well...mostly. :)
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )