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Ow.  

Got a letter from the Ex today.  Going on about how good everything is, blah blah blah.  Contained a lot of bait to get me back and a lot of guilt aimed at me.  And I can't help but think it's all bullshit.  Because I can look at it and I know that some of the stuff he wrote isn't true--according to his parents, who I've talked to.  

I just want him to go away. I'm so tired of his drama.  I am so pissed to be sitting here having one of those kind of anxiety attacks--the kind that only he can bring on.  I am not in love with him anymore--but why can't I bring myself to say it?  

Because I'm still afraid of him, I guess.  Not that he'll hurt me--he pretty much never hurt me physically.  No, that he'll suck me back in, and I'll be lost again.  That he'll make me hate my life again.  That I'll never be free of him.

Oh God, it's so hard sometimes.  I care about him, but I just don't want to do this shit anymore.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
van
Jun. 6th, 2007 12:43 am (UTC)
Maybe you should just ask him not to contact you anymore. It seems a bit extreme, but you hardly need to be tempted or forced to think about stuff like that. It just isn't fair for you, not when it's hard enough living day-to-day without dealing with him directly. :/
kumquatwriter
Jun. 6th, 2007 12:49 am (UTC)
Thing is, I can't cut him off fully yet. He still has a lot of my stuff. And it's not all settled down enough for me to do that yet, if that makes any sense. I know I want him OUT OF MY LIFE, I just can't bring myself to kick him all the way out. I guess considering how hard it was just to leave, I shouldn't push it, but still...
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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