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AMA Friday, August 8 2014

I have finally completed all the questions in this AMA. Follow up questions may be sent to my tumblr, although I don't promise immediate answers.

Somewhere, I think in this AMA, somebody asked if I'd ever consider telling more about the alternate 1944 timeline, the X men, the whole King of England thing...the answer is yes, I will be telling a great deal more. But that? Is going in the book when I write it. Thanks to the research nonnies, it's much more likely to finally be completed.

There's been a great deal of discussion about Andy on FFA recently, including questions people have for me. Since I have limited time these days, I've decided to do an AMA. I prefer threaded discussion to tumblr's...tumbling, so good ol' Livejournal gets the job done. Comments on this thread will be answered tomorrow evening. When I'm done I will freeze the comments and link it to my blog and tumblr. You can ask follow up questions; I don't have a set end time other than "when I wear out or run out of comments."

I have a no deletion policy most of the time, but for this "event" I reserve the right to delete anything I find offensive, abusive or derailing. Anon is on, but all comments will be screened.

ETA: Unscreening comments to cut down on repetition.

The comments I have deleted have only been because there are SO MANY comments, and I wanted to streamline a bit. Nothing more.

Also, since Diamond is online, I invited her to add to/answer anything she wants to. :)

10:47 PM PST: Okay kids, I've got to go to bed. I want to answer the rest of these questions though. I don't have a set time, but I'll work on them and post an update here and on my tumblr when I've finished. I am locking the comments now. Thanks for some really great questions - I'll get to them all in time.

And now, to sleep. Thanks.

Yet More And Still About Thanfiction

Of course I have a LiveJournal! It was my very first social media platform/blog, way back in the long-long-ago-time when I was still "Orangeblossom Brambleburr" (former username: orangeblossomb).

This was an entirely Friends-Only journal until today. I have decided to go back and make public many of the entries from when I very first escaped from the cult I was in. At the time, I was keeping a very low profile, and even in a locked blog was afraid to say Andy's name. So, for all of the relevant entries, "The EX" is Andrew Blake.

I haven't altered these posts beyond removing a couple of names and correct the occasional pronoun. The vast majority maintained proper pronouns, but there was a brief period of my recovery where I used "it" rather than ANY pronouns, as a step in distancing myself from Andy's control. I apologized if I missed any.

Why publicize all this old laundry?

I've been in touch with several other former victims, and they have all asked variations of "how did you get over this?"

This is how.

Also, there is more raw emotion, which I just don't feel so many years later, after all this therapy, forgiveness and change. And a lot more of just how long Andy kept trying to reel me back in and retain control.

Start here to read chronologically.

Update of sorts...

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't been updating lately, life has been busy. So. Here's the news.

1) Going on 3 months without a single cigarette. Go me.
2) Work is going great.
3) Moving in with Chip (in Eugene) in September
4) Chip already has rented the apartment we're going to share.
5) I'm performing weekly in a community theater production of Steel Magnolias. Brilliant cast, wonderful show. :D

Anywho. That's about it from right now....

Mar. 10th, 2008

So. Day one smoke free.


Um. Yeah. Have 1st lozenge in mouth. You don't suck them like a cough drop (which is what I expected), you stick it (painfully) in between your lip and gum. Like chaw. It's repugnant, and it burns, and it does not, not, not relieve my craving for a smoke. Not.

Feel all stabby and hostile.

Drove without smoking. Also made me feel all stabby and hostile. Also wound up driving directly to McDonalds because I couldn't face the thought of anything but food instantly in my mouth, and besides, they have halfdecent coffee.

Chip says he wants to punch things. Probably best he's at work and I'm at home, given how very cranky I feel at the moment.

Hate laundry. Hate daytime TV. Hate everything.

Want a cigarette.

Really really really really want a cigarette.

So delightfully, soothingly, death-causingly magnificent.



Fuck, I want a cigarette

EDIT: Great. Aftertaste of nicotine lozenge is nasty. Makes me want a smoke to take the taste out. Fuckstickers.
Well, I did it. I called EX.

It was not a pleasant conversation.

There were a lot, a lot of attempts at getting me to say there was a chance to stay friends. Begged. He really wound up forcing me to say outright that he's insane, he hurt me terribly and that I don't ever want to see him again. Oh yeah, and I got to tell him that Boo Boo had died. That was fun. Not to mention telling him I didn't believe in his fantasy world. Yeah, that was fun--but at least I didn't have to contend with a steady stream of "other people" wanting to say goodbye. Christ.

But I was honorable and as gentle as I could be, and Chip said I was way nicer than EX deserved. Of course his opinion was to tell him "Fuck you, it's over." Which is exactly what I did--in a polite, gentle, using-lots-of-therapy-based-words-like-victimization.

And I've decided not to write the book--not for him, mind, but for me. I don't need to be another Jeanine.

Anyway. So, yeah. I did it. Second-scariest-thing I've ever done. The scariest, of course, was leaving EX screaming on his parents' front porch. Oh yeah, and I called his mother and put her on suicide watch. So if EX does anything stupid, it isn't my fault.

I know I haven't posted in a while. I've really been using MySpace more lately, because more of my every-day-real-life friends are on there than on LJ. I have been keeping at least one eye on my Flist here though, so it's not like I've totally vanished. Brief update on me, I'm living happily in my own place, have a group of girlfriends that are astounding, have developed some great relationships with my family, and am dating the most wonderful man I could have ever hoped for. Seriously, I didn't know life could be this good. And it keeps building and deepening. Just being free is so good.

That said. At the moment, I'm having a bit of a low moment about Jeanine. She's still at it. This is not a big deal by far anymore; I have real friends who don't give two shits what she thinks and Airwin, my BFF ever, actually commented in my defense recently. BUT its heavily on my mind because...I have to reopen contact with the EX. Yes, in order to finally get my damned hard drives back (and I don't even know if at this point they're salvageable), I have to talk to him. I have sent him an email (no reply yet), and may have to phone him. If I do, rest assured that (1) I will do it from a number he can't use to reach me (i.e. either from my wonderful BF's phone or through a calling card on a payphone) and (2) said marvelous BF will be holding me the entire time. I assure you.

But having to talk to EX, and rereading stuff from Turimel's journal (hey, if you're on my flist, you already know about this, right?) makes me very sad and impotently frustrated. For the entire time--five years now? I've not said one word in my defense. I've not attempted to mend one fence, explain myself (or it-self, for that matter), or in any way tried to salvage my reputation. With friends I've made since my recovery, they already know things were fucky then and don't care. And the handful of people who I'm friends with who knew me in Those Days? Are probably reading this right now. Right. So. There's no point in opening old wounds.

And yet I'm tempted. Sorely. If only to say "hey, why no updates?" because she does know that EX and I have split up. How does she know that? Why didn't she put that up? It scares me, because SOMEONE gave her that info. Who? How? When?

And EX somehow found out where I work. How? When? WHY?

I hate the feeling that I'm being watched.

Don't get me wrong, it's not exactly keeping me up at night. But there are times when it just gets to me, you know? And I don't know why. Do I actually care what these people think? (Well, not really. But, it's not fair, because I was being used far worse than most of them) Do I actually think I could change their minds? (I should be able to but no I wouldn't they'd just use it against me, I can never stop them). Does it matter? (I guess it only matters to me, and I can't give it justification enough as to why it matters to do anything about it)

Anyway. BF will be home from his first day at his new job. Time to put aside the resentful introspection...for now.

The EX speaks

EX wrote to me. Again. Apparently, his parents haven't bothered to confront EX with all the stuff I said--because it was a many-page missive updating me on all the "others." This letter is playing the "everything is so happy and wonderful" card. So many happy stories. See? Tempt, tempt. Everything's happy here! Really! See? And he writes that he is making all sorts of progress on his's life--progress that I'm willing to bet won't hold up to any kind of scrutiny.


I wish EX would just go away. He did remind me that I "promised" to give him "a year" to prove himself in. He thinks I'm waiting for him. That I'm coming back to him.

Fat. Fucking. Chance.

God, I'm so sick of this. I hate seeing his return address. His handwriting makes me nauseous. His very existance is the bane of my own.

Go away. Please. Leave me alone. My life is full and happy without you. For the love of God, just let me go. Leave me the fuck alone.

At least this letter wasn't a major guilt trip. EX's playing on "remember the good times" instead of "feel bad, you soulkilling bitch."

I don't regret ending that relationship. I wish I'd ended it sooner.

Actually, I'll quote one of Mardo's songs for this--it sums it up so well.

It's not open, not up in the air/It's not civil, but really, who cares/I love knowing you'll never retrun/and the sweet sweet freedom I've earned.

(from "Civil")


Horrors! Oh, horrors!

I was looking at a poster advertising a fundraising concert for the middle school I went to. There were pictures of the various performers at the bottom. One of them was a surprisingly hot guy, looked to be in his early 20s. I was in the middle of thinking Gee, they didn't make 'em like that when I went there, I noticed his name.

And realized I knew him.

Because he was in the kindergarten when I was in the middle school, and I hung out with his older brother and babysat for him a couple of times.



How'd I get so fecking OLD?!